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Zero Bum game as sun brings out the loons

approach with caution

approach with caution

Breaking news:  Sunny day brings out the nutters

Londoners are said to be taken aback by the news that as well as inspiring the wearing of short shorts and other borderline inappropriate clothing, the recent spell of hot weather brings another factor into play: the emergence of the Nutter.

During wintertime, the tendency of Nutters to wear all of their clothing at the same time, whilst carrying sacks of assorted bric-a-brac such as broken biros, padlocks with no key, discarded pairs of swimming trunks and what look like swaddling clothes from a 19th century nativity play, often go unnoticed; however during the summer months the overwhelming stench of sweat mingled with ancient lambs wool, kippers, lashings of golden syrup, and powerful hair oil, are unmistakeable.

Lost and pound

Research has shown that the nutter economy is a seasonal one; whilst sales of broken biros, barely recognisable power leads and old batteries are low to non-existent during the winter, in the summer months they tend to be low, or non-existent.

Another feature of the Nutters economy is the unerring tendency of professional nutters to know with absolute certainty exactly how much money they require to see them through their current predicament: just £1.30 for a cup of tea, 20 pence to make that all important phone call, or a tenner to get the train back to Brighton, from where they will of course phone and report the theft of their wallet.

Sun worshippers at heart, nutters find that gesticulating, talking to themselves and sleeping on park benches are easier on the arthritis between April and August, whilst shouting hoarsely, growing outlandish beards and sporting fingerless gloves are best enjoyed during autumn and particularly winter.

Nutter selfie

This summer, a series of measures aimed at celebrating the nutter’s place in London’s rich and diverse cultural heritage are being introduced by the London Mayor’s office. Activities include the “nutter selfie”, an opportunity to photograph oneself with a nutter (keep a-hold of those phones now!), and park -benching, a cross between parkour and planking, otherwise known as free-running-away-from-the –police.

Other events planned include the 100 metres amble, bong jump, triple scotch jump, and steeple chaser.

Charity mugger

A popular tourist attraction with their grizzly looks and madly grinning charm, Nutters have ironically found themselves increasingly under threat from the charmless yet tenacious phenomenon known as the Charity Mugger, or Chugger, for short. The unwitting Nutters are urged to provide their direct debit details and promised food and shelter, only to discover that their hard earned collection of 2 pence pieces is funnelled using a complex series of payments straight into the Chuggers trust fund.

The public has traditionally resisted attempts by police to forcibly remove Nutters from public places, and place them in a cell overnight, as they generally prefer their nutters free range rather than caged.

Mad Johnny’s nutter emporium

So, next time you are assailed by a pongy Nutter and his cheery missus, walking in circles whilst cackling, and with that unerring ability to catch the eye of every passer-by, for nothing escapes that toothless hags gaze, spare a thought, perhaps, a penny, or search your pockets for that old felt tip that has run out of ink.

And remember, just like the National Lottery says, it could be you. Please give generously.



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