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Reality Blows

The general public have announced plans to create a new Celebrity themed reality, called “the Daily Grind”.

The show, which will be broken down into segments of years, months and weeks, divided into seven 24 hour episodes each week, is expected to attract a large celebrity following, and will portray the lives of ordinary people as they do things like hang up their washing, argue about who’s turn it is to take the rubbish out, and not visit the allotment they have forgotten they had.

“As a member of the general public I probably don’t spend as much time with celebrities as I should, but with such a packed schedule, including going to work, looking after my family and driving to the supermarket, it’s easy to forget that there are literally thousands of celebrities in need of my attention”, said David, 44, a stockbroker who nobody has ever heard of.

“but if we can all spend just 5 minutes every day watching television, we can really make a difference.”

Karma karma karma karma karma cham-eel-eon

The plight of modern celebrities often goes unnoticed, possibly because there are simply so many of them it is hard to keep track of which celebrity goes with which show. Popular comedian turned Olympic cyclist Gary Barlow, who recently picked up a best Oscar performance for his work with people who do not need his help, says the situation is getting worse, not better.

Thanks to the efforts of the general public, Barlow, and popular ice dancer and politician Davina McCall, were recently spared the indignity of having to appear as extras at a Prince Charles concert, where they would no doubt have been expected to wear lycra, sing tunelessly to bad music, and break down in tears whilst exclaiming, “I just wish I could take you both!”

For years Celebrities have been forced to perform on stage in front of a panel made up of members of the general public, seduced by the promise of an office job in a non-descript satellite town on the outskirts of London, where they will get to wear beige, and drink poor quality instant coffee from mugs which say “You don’t have to be mad to work here, but it helps”.

The sad reality, of course, is that after a 2 week work placement in the accounts team, and the bright lights of a sales conference hall on the outskirts of Slough, the celebrities must face up to the grim “reality” of guest appearances in Emmerdale or on the Jonathan Ross show, or being arrested for shoplifting at the Primrose Hill branch of Waitrose.

Chronic Relief

For Barlow and McCall, however, hope springs eternal. A new vacancy has arisen behind the meat counter at Morrison’s, and there is talk that a teenage sales assistant at Our Price is thinking of going travelling, although she might just be saying that to get out of a date with a guy she met when she was alphabetising the cassette section.

Barlow knows the competition will be intense, but he has been waiting for this opportunity his whole life – he knows this could be his last shot, and he is just so, like, determined to give it 120% and make his family proud of him.  McCall, for her part, thinks she may only have 7 more yoga DVD’s in her.

Priory-ity boarding

Once a year, many of the most disgruntled celebrities are deported to Australia where they are forced to exist on a diet of grubs and kangaroo’s testicles just for the general public’s amusement.

Leslie Grantham says enough is enough; being approached by KFC to appear as a brand ambassador on the Fried Chicken emporium’s new “Finger Licking Good” campaign was the last straw. Bizarrely, however, Ian Beale from Eastenders says he is happy with his lot, rightly pointing out that he never expected people would pay him a salary of £100k per year just to watch him get repeatedly cuckolded.

“You will go on my first whistle”

But is it wrong that in this day and age so much of our daily lives are taken up with gossip about the general public, whilst ordinary working celebrities like Richard Branson and billionaire philanthropist Alan “chatty man” Carr, are scarcely given a thought?

Whilst most of us get a kick out of driving to the cash machine, the likes of Paul Gascoigne must make do with the “Celebrity hole in the wall”, never more than a drunken stumble away.

Meanwhile Brian Blessed is thinking about getting a tattoo, and Shadow from Gladiators is rumoured to be sizing up the Real Estate market.

God bless us, every one.  


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