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Clegg and Farage to get drunk and fight

Clegg and Farage: boxing clever?

Clegg and Farage: boxing clever?

Posh UK based politicians Nick Clegg and Nigel Farage are set to get on the beers and have a dust up, according to sources close to the pair.

The duo, who cannot stand each other for various complicated reasons, do have one thing in common; they both love boozing and don’t mind a scrap.

Farage, who wears the expression of a man who has just got in from an all-nighter and wants one last cigarette before bed, is alleged to be familiar with Marquis of Queensbury rules, and may have once boxed for Oxford.

Strike it lucky

Southpaw Clegg, who has a Spanish wife and is fond of shouting “andale”, “andale”, and using his thumb and little finger as makeshift horns whilst stamping his feet and charging his living room curtains, is said to have a blue-belt in jujitsu, and can do a forward roll.

Both are big fans of a large single malt, and know their way around a lunchtime pint. But whilst Farage is a scotch egg man, Clegg favours a sausage roll.

Out for the count

Farage is renowned for having a thing about foreigners; Clegg’s favourite song is “I want to know what love is”, by, you guessed it, Foreigner. Farage also looks a little bit like Count Dracula, from Transylvania.

Both men have tonnes of money, Clegg because he is an aristocrat, and Farage because he is a crook. Or it could be the other way around. Either way, both will be hoping to “steal” a march on the other come Saturday night.

When it comes to tactics, there is little to choose between the two. Whilst Clegg will be looking to poke Farage in the eye, a favourite manoeuvre, the latter will be wearing spurs on his boots. Like a fighting cock. Both are said to have a vicious head-butt.

The fight is likely to take place in North London, and locals have been warned to make sure they don’t spill anyone’s pint or look at anybody in a “funny” way, for fear of kicking things off.

Clegg has responded with derision to Farage’s claim that up to 26 million Romanians, Bulgarians, and Gypsies, will be turning up to watch the fight, whilst barmen are angry with recent comments made by his entourage, that “some people are just meant to serve”.

Gay Farage?

Clegg, accused by Farage in a previous bout of having “blood on his hands”, has responded by suggesting that “at my school, we used to bogwash people like Nigel”. Farage has refused to confirm whether Clegg may have “buggered me senseless”, back at boarding school, but the word on the street is that both men may have the capacity to “swing both ways”.

Bizarrely for a boxing match, there will be no representative in either the blue corner or the red corner. However, as the excitement reaches fever pitch, the public can’t wait to watch 2 floppy haired public schoolboys knock seven bells out of each other.

Fisting

In the wake of recent parliamentary scandals, both men have been warned to keep their fists where the referee can see them, not feel them, and will be drugs tested, as both parties feel that it is in their best interests to “keep Mandy out of politics”.

The victor will claim the coveted “stockbroker” belt, and the chance of a title shot versus Dave “the wealthy selfie”, Cameron, whilst the loser will end up defending the greenbelt, generally considered to be a thankless task.

 
2 Responses
  • Anthea Ingham
    April 7, 2014

    This made me laugh a lot – not easy to do on a day like today!

     
  • Dedra
    September 27, 2014

    I don’t even know how I ended up here, but I
    thought this post was great. I do not know who you are
    but definitely you’re going to a famous blogger if you are not already 😉 Cheers!

     

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