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Cameron takes the 5G plunge

red balloonsSome people may be aware that we are now entering a brave new world known as “the internet of things”. And David Cameron is one of those people. Cameron has been attending the CeBIT conference in Hanover, Germany, where, flexing his linguistic muscles, he declared “Vorsprung Durch Technik!” Indeed; warming to his theme he encouraged the German people to come and visit Shoreditch in East London, noting that where 3 and a half years ago there were just 200 digital companies, the area is now home to 1,300 such enterprises. Plus 4,500 tattoo parlours, 457 different apps for checking what time your bus is coming (app-arently you wait and wait then they all turn up at once), and 7 coffee shops for every beard. Plus you can pay for things with tattoos.

Many British Tech giants accompanied Cameron on his mission to Germany; Touch Bionics, the inventors of the world’s most advanced bionic hand, Raspberry Pi, which provides innovative hardware for schools, and Imagination, who provide graphics for the Iphone, all made the plane. Many others just missed final boarding due to a bus timetabling mix-up. But Cameron was most keen to espouse the benefits of 5G. A lot of folks are still wondering how Kevin Bacon will find the time to install their 4G for them, so they can drop their phones in pints of beer with impunity. Others think a three-gee board is an old fashioned way of contacting their deceased loved ones. But not Cameron. “I made a G today, but I made it in a sleazy way” 4G is capable of downloading an 800 megabyte movie in 40 seconds. 5G will do it in less than 1. That’s less time than it takes Cameron to assume the serious facial expression he needs to take a history making selfie. The possibilities are frightening. The Prime Minister announced a collaboration between the University of Dresden, King’s College London, and the University of Surrey, and £45 million pounds of investment, to deliver this new technology to the masses. However, with South Korea announcing investment into 5G technology of $1.5 billion, and Chinese mobile company Huawei and Telecoms behemoth Samsung expecting to roll out 5G services by late 2020, the race is on. Ain’t nothing but a G-thang To date, many scientists have lost focus and squandered millions of man hours attempting to locate the notoriously elusive G-spot. Many have made it as far as the G-string before being overcome with emotion, falling asleep, and later apologising and suggesting that that has never happened before. Cameron has also made £73 million of funding available for research, with grants of up to £1 million into the “internet of things”. Amongst the urgent priorities is a new name for the “internet of things”. The Prime Minister rightly wants to join forces with Germany, whose technological achievements include the Volkswagen Beetle, Bayern Munich Football Club, and 99 red balloons, floating in the summer sky. Say what you like about Cameron, he might be able to get the buses to run on time.


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